Monday, October 19, 2009

Early Nesting and Nurturing the Anit-Social

Pregnancy makes me a lousy friend. Or maybe being pregnant gives me an excuse to be a lousy friend. Or at least this pregnancy does. I'm honestly not sure if it's the pregnancy or me. My anti-social nature did kick in around the time we knew for sure. But it was there even before. Of course it's only gotten worst as I've gotten further along. Lately, I'm happiest just hanging out at home, with the family. I don't have any urges to go out without the kids. I am not really into entertaining parties, or even having people over.

There are some things I don't mind doing. I like going to the park and meeting up with people. I don't mind exchanging pleasantries with people when I bump into them. It's not that I hate people or hate everyone that we hung out's just....

Maybe it's because I felt like I lost my way a bit in the spring. And now I feel like I'm home again, back where I want to be, happy, content, passionate about my life again. I just want to roll decadently in my life as it is. I want to be with H and the beasties. I feel like I'm rebuilding something here. And it's important to create this with just the family.

This is not an unusual feeling for me when I'm pregnant. I'm just used to it coming later. My nesting instinct usually comes in the third trimester. I only want to be with my family, in my home, getting things ready. Preparing for the new addition. But never has it come this early. And that's where I am. I find myself nesting. And it's not a space that I feel safe in sharing. I think it's why I am more inclined to go outside to see people. I don't feel so vulnerable out there. And if you asked me what I felt so vulnerable about, I am not sure I could put it into words. It's just there...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


If there one thing a pregnant woman knows how to do its nap. These naps used to make me feel so guilty. I hated feeling so tired all the time. Perhaps having insomina has softened my attitude toward napping. When you don't sleep half the night, naps are often what helps you function. And you know I am growing another life inside my body...seems like one rather needs the energy to do such a feat. Now I relish my naps, don't begrudge myself them, and try not to beat myself because my house is a mess and I'm behind on my reading.

Today I really needed the nap. Camille was up on and off all night with a very high fever and a headache. Plus I had to get up and go pee a hundred times. The joys of pregnancy. And since Camille was in bed with us, I had a hard time settling down when I was finally able to go to sleep. I got up this morning to get the boys off, and then spent time puttering around the kitchen. I cleaned up a bit, and started to bring trash out, started on our dining room. By ten I was drained. I took a nap with great joy despite playing girls. I had the strange vivid dreams I only seem to have with pregnancy. This time we were in Mexico and I was so upset because Horacio had decided rather last minute to stay for an extra week. I kept explaining to him that we didn't really have the money to pay for this change. And then in the process of arguing with him, I realized we hadn't packed yet! I realized there was no way any of us were going to be able to leave that day.

I woke up though with an added bonus...a story idea all formulated in my head. This hasn't happened in about a year. It was very exciting to make my coffee planning out a story. Imaging the characters, figuring out the plot, and designing the stage.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Three Months! Three Months!

I'm sailing into that lovely second trimester where hopefully my energy will return and my "evening" sickness will abate. I was kind of stunned to realize that I'm 12 weeks already. Time doesn't usually fly for me during my pregnancy. And with this one, I am in such a different world space. I am in some ways not nearly as busy as I was with the other pregnancies, and in other ways I feel much more burdened. With the first three pregnancies, I was pretty much doing something full time: either school or work. This time, I am working part time, have all the kids in some kind of school, but yet I am more tired and more drained than before. I have a hard time trying to motivate myself to do anything. Yesterday I clean the fridge and that pretty much did me in for the day. I'm way behind on my course correcting. My house is a disaster area.

But for some reason, it's just not driving me crazy like it would normally.

A lot is not driving me as crazy as it normally does or did with my other pregnancies. My mood swings, as just one example, are off the wall. I alternate between a kind of earth mother serenity, sobbing over anything, and irrational anger and irritability. Before, the irritability particularly bothered me. I was upset at what I perceived as my demonstrable lack of patience with the children. This time around when these moments sweep over me, I have the good sense to go to my room, lay down until it passes while just allowing myself to indulge in the feeling. I know that it is not a reflection on me as a mother but more of a reflection of hormonal shifts.

But best yet is the simply being fairly okay with my body. I am not gaining the way I planned. I was going to gain as little weight as one of those fairly small woman with a "bump." Alas this has not come to be. Instead I am getting bigger each day. I gained about 5lbs in a month, and continue to climb. I do exercise everyday but my eating is not the best. I eat what I can and what I crave which isn't honestly always salad. Sometimes the thought of salad makes me want to vomit. Instead of lamenting, however, I am just accepting my body as is. I'm remembering that this a body I can be confident in...and honestly despite some typical aches and pains, I can't remember pregnancy ever feeling this good. I feel strong, and yes even earth mother like. I feel like I always thought I would during pregnancy but never did.

About two weeks ago, I felt that first quickening....just a tiny flutter of life. And today bending over, I got that dreadful cramp that comes from a fetus being balled up in one spot. There is life in there, and instead of freaking me out as it normally does, I felt this sense of peace.

I need this this time around. Gossip abound in my department. There are hints that this is going to cause me to lose a chance to teach in the fall. Due to some unforeseen circumstances (having nothing to do with baby) we are holding off grad. applications for another year. Of course this is already being attributed to my suspected pregnancy. I haven't told anyone in my department with the exception of Sean and a friend. But I am showing, and so people are talking. It had me in tears the other night. I feel as if I have more than proven I can do this with children but yet I am still continually doubted. It seems that as a woman there is nothing I could do to prove myself. I will always be seen as having burdened myself with children.

But when I feel those little things that let me know there is life in there, I don't care. My children are not burdens. They are the enrichment to my life. They are the completion I have spent a long time seeking.