Need I say more?
Monday, March 19, 2007
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Loss
Lately I've been reading Judith Butler. I have to say that she is one of the most difficult theorists I have grappled with in a long time. It is so exciting. I feel that high again...the high that comes from wrestling with some amazingly difficult passages, and feeling like a light turns on when you finally get it. Suddenly you just don't see the world in the same way. Everything changes. And you lose something which is what I am reading about with Butler right now.
In The Psychic Life of Power, Butler writes about about subjection. She wishes to examine the ambiguity that lies at subject formation. But that is for another entry. What I find so interesting right now, this evening, is Butler's reading of Lacan and Freud. She argues that internalization is formed through loss. She writes
"Significantly, Freud identifies heightened conscience and self-bereavement as one sign of melancholia, the condition of uncompleted grief. The foreclosure of certain forms of love suggests that the melancholia that grounds the subject signals an incomplete and irresolvable grief. Unowned and incomplete, melancholia is the limit to the subject's sense of pourvoir, its sense of what it can accomplish and, in that sense, its power"(23).
Last week, with a certain professor, we talked a lot about Lacan and how he sees subject formation built through loss. And then I read this. This idea that love, desire, etc, functions through a loss of something makes a lot of sense. Especially when one thinks of this lost as homosexual. Being bisexual is an interesting position from which to look at this loss. I think perhaps for me this loss is somewhat known.
I have never identified my sexuality as merely about sex but rather about the possibilities of love and desire. Calling myself bisexual opened up many possibilities for me but it also entailed losses. The gay/lesbian community often wants nothing to do with bisexual people. Despite the rumors it is not easier to get a date! I was accused often of just wanting sex, and of not being willing to fully commit to lesbianism. In other words, I was a coward. I loss an opportunity to fully explore dating, loving, women, and I also lost an opportunity to be a part of a community.
And then what happens when the bisexual goes monogamous? I love my partner (a man), and I love the family we created but there is underlying all this a loss. By choosing to be monogamous (and yes I understand this a normalized function probably of heterosexuality), I have closed off a part of my sexuality. And while we could be open, could invite someone into our family, that too would entail a certain set of losses.
It's a bit tragic to think of all these losses. I see how so much of who we are is built upon losses that we often can not speak or bring forth. As Butler points out, sometimes they are so repressed we can not even grieve them.
In The Psychic Life of Power, Butler writes about about subjection. She wishes to examine the ambiguity that lies at subject formation. But that is for another entry. What I find so interesting right now, this evening, is Butler's reading of Lacan and Freud. She argues that internalization is formed through loss. She writes
"Significantly, Freud identifies heightened conscience and self-bereavement as one sign of melancholia, the condition of uncompleted grief. The foreclosure of certain forms of love suggests that the melancholia that grounds the subject signals an incomplete and irresolvable grief. Unowned and incomplete, melancholia is the limit to the subject's sense of pourvoir, its sense of what it can accomplish and, in that sense, its power"(23).
Last week, with a certain professor, we talked a lot about Lacan and how he sees subject formation built through loss. And then I read this. This idea that love, desire, etc, functions through a loss of something makes a lot of sense. Especially when one thinks of this lost as homosexual. Being bisexual is an interesting position from which to look at this loss. I think perhaps for me this loss is somewhat known.
I have never identified my sexuality as merely about sex but rather about the possibilities of love and desire. Calling myself bisexual opened up many possibilities for me but it also entailed losses. The gay/lesbian community often wants nothing to do with bisexual people. Despite the rumors it is not easier to get a date! I was accused often of just wanting sex, and of not being willing to fully commit to lesbianism. In other words, I was a coward. I loss an opportunity to fully explore dating, loving, women, and I also lost an opportunity to be a part of a community.
And then what happens when the bisexual goes monogamous? I love my partner (a man), and I love the family we created but there is underlying all this a loss. By choosing to be monogamous (and yes I understand this a normalized function probably of heterosexuality), I have closed off a part of my sexuality. And while we could be open, could invite someone into our family, that too would entail a certain set of losses.
It's a bit tragic to think of all these losses. I see how so much of who we are is built upon losses that we often can not speak or bring forth. As Butler points out, sometimes they are so repressed we can not even grieve them.
Maybe not such a failure
A few weeks later, and I'm chilled although I may have freaked out every other adult in Umberto's life. I have to keep reminding myself that I learned to read at 7.5, and look, I'm a genius:) Okay so not that smart but smart enough to make it through grad. school. There is a part of me that knows deep down that Umberto is better off from not having the pressure to do everything quick. And I know that he's capable and that things will click for him when they're supposed to click. But there is also that panicky part of me that knows he has to back to school when we start our Ph.Ds. I guess I need some faith that things will click by the time he's 8!
A few days ago I was reading Cat Wings by Jane Yolen to the kids. I came across a great line that changed how I thought about Umberto. The book is about a litter of flying kittens whose mother sends them away from the city for a better life. Once in the woods, the birds freak out because the cats are on equal footing. Here's the line about Owl and the concern over flying cats: "It took a while for the Owl to understand this. Owl is not a quick thinker. She is a long thinker"(20). See that's Umberto. He takes his time and in the end has a full understanding...maybe a fuller understanding then someone who thinks quick. It's not about how fast you master something but rather that you master it.
A few days ago I was reading Cat Wings by Jane Yolen to the kids. I came across a great line that changed how I thought about Umberto. The book is about a litter of flying kittens whose mother sends them away from the city for a better life. Once in the woods, the birds freak out because the cats are on equal footing. Here's the line about Owl and the concern over flying cats: "It took a while for the Owl to understand this. Owl is not a quick thinker. She is a long thinker"(20). See that's Umberto. He takes his time and in the end has a full understanding...maybe a fuller understanding then someone who thinks quick. It's not about how fast you master something but rather that you master it.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Failure?
My almost seven year old is still not reading. Is this me? Have I failed him? Am I doing him a disservice by keeping him home? Should I just force him to go to school? Would he adjust?
These feelings are coming from a lot of guilt. I drifted from unschooling about half a year in. I just don't have enough belief in any kind of organic anything to think it works like that. I mean what does organic learning mean? Do we really think that there is some kind of natural something inside of us that just makes us embrace learning styles? I don't think unschooling works for people who believe in social constructionism! I f0und myself just watching Umberto play Star Wars over and over and wondering if becoming a Jedi really was a possible future.
And here we are: $200 worth of curriculum just not being used because I'm lucky if I pull out school work twice a week. I'm so not good at teaching elementary school. I try to come up with creative ideas, and fail miserably. So we end up just not doing much while Umberto plays, and I waste huge amounts of time on the computer because I"m too lazy to install any kind of routine.
Umberto seems totally unbothered by all this. All he really wants to do is play anyway. He's happy if we read to him each day, haul out the art supplies once in awhile, bring him out to play with his friends. But can he really learn anything just playing all the time? And isn't this really all about my lazy ass just not getting it together?
So now I'm wondering if I just need to establish a routine. Argh. Can I even do that? Stay tuned.
These feelings are coming from a lot of guilt. I drifted from unschooling about half a year in. I just don't have enough belief in any kind of organic anything to think it works like that. I mean what does organic learning mean? Do we really think that there is some kind of natural something inside of us that just makes us embrace learning styles? I don't think unschooling works for people who believe in social constructionism! I f0und myself just watching Umberto play Star Wars over and over and wondering if becoming a Jedi really was a possible future.
And here we are: $200 worth of curriculum just not being used because I'm lucky if I pull out school work twice a week. I'm so not good at teaching elementary school. I try to come up with creative ideas, and fail miserably. So we end up just not doing much while Umberto plays, and I waste huge amounts of time on the computer because I"m too lazy to install any kind of routine.
Umberto seems totally unbothered by all this. All he really wants to do is play anyway. He's happy if we read to him each day, haul out the art supplies once in awhile, bring him out to play with his friends. But can he really learn anything just playing all the time? And isn't this really all about my lazy ass just not getting it together?
So now I'm wondering if I just need to establish a routine. Argh. Can I even do that? Stay tuned.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Hooked on What?
My lovely, creative son decided he really wanted the Hooked On Phonics set (this one has reading, math, and writing). It's mind numbingly boring for me but he loves it. I wonder if it is because he just wants to read and this seems like a nice logical set of steps for him. I don't know if it is doing any good but he's having a good time.
We are still doing other things. My friend Kerri gave me an idea in which your child picks a word for the day, and then you write it on an index card for the child. This builds up a personalized vocabulary for the child. And we're doing lots of things like gluing beans on to letter templates, and playing with our letter paint sponges. We're doing lots of number games, and activities which he enjoys more than he used to. I'm trying to do fun things in terms of social studies connected the months. We read a great book called "So You Want to Be President" which Umberto loved. It had quirky pictures and fun little facts about the past presidents. We also have a book on Socrates called "Wise Guy."
In addition to all this, we rejoined a homeschooling coop. So now Umberto does an environmental group called "Roots and Shoots," chorus, violin lessons, and a book club. Add to this a future 4H group, and an art class with the aforementioned friend Kerri, and we're booked. But he's happy and learning.
Funny story for the post:
Umberto told Horacio that Camille taught him how to read! Umberto showed Horacio how Camille pointed to each page in a particular book and told him what it said. I guess during this conversation Camille kept saying "Yes Daddy Umberto reads."
Okay another funny story:
Umberto shows me his comic and says "Look Mom, the troop is saying 'Morons."" I look, and yes, indeed, the troop is saying "moron." One of Umberto's first words to read is moron. Just figures.
We are still doing other things. My friend Kerri gave me an idea in which your child picks a word for the day, and then you write it on an index card for the child. This builds up a personalized vocabulary for the child. And we're doing lots of things like gluing beans on to letter templates, and playing with our letter paint sponges. We're doing lots of number games, and activities which he enjoys more than he used to. I'm trying to do fun things in terms of social studies connected the months. We read a great book called "So You Want to Be President" which Umberto loved. It had quirky pictures and fun little facts about the past presidents. We also have a book on Socrates called "Wise Guy."
In addition to all this, we rejoined a homeschooling coop. So now Umberto does an environmental group called "Roots and Shoots," chorus, violin lessons, and a book club. Add to this a future 4H group, and an art class with the aforementioned friend Kerri, and we're booked. But he's happy and learning.
Funny story for the post:
Umberto told Horacio that Camille taught him how to read! Umberto showed Horacio how Camille pointed to each page in a particular book and told him what it said. I guess during this conversation Camille kept saying "Yes Daddy Umberto reads."
Okay another funny story:
Umberto shows me his comic and says "Look Mom, the troop is saying 'Morons."" I look, and yes, indeed, the troop is saying "moron." One of Umberto's first words to read is moron. Just figures.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
New Year's Resolutions
Every year, I say, "No I'm not going to do resolutions this year." I get pissy when people (i.e., my mother mostly) nag at me about what my resolutions are going to be. Hell, I never keep them, and they end up hanging over my head like Coleridge's albatross. At some midpoint, like July, just when you're having fun, enjoying the pool, drinking frozen alcoholic somethings, it hits. "Shit," you say as you inhale another cigarette, gulp a big alcoholic cool wonderfulness, and then chase it with like a bag of potato chips, "I swore to quit smoking, quit drinking, and lose 20 lbs." And bam, the whole bloody summer suddenly becomes gloomy with guilt. No thank you! I want to enjoy my summer.
Okay so I caved, just as I cave every year. I don't usually tell anyone. I just kind of quietly make them in my head. Then I announce them once I've quit. This saves me the guilt but lets people say "Oh you're so wonderful." And who doesn't love to hear that?
This year I vowed to quit smoking (again) and to lose the 20lbs I gained since leaving WW plus another 10. And already, week three into January have accomplished one...I quit smoking. Hurray. Okay party over. It sucks, and I still miss smoking but I promised not just myself but my kids I'd stop.
And I'm working on number 2. I rejoined WW. So far the same slow but steady loss. Of course if I could stay really within the plan it might be more. I have to admit though that I'm not as giddy about the program. I still like the concepts behind it, and I think that it works. Its more that rigidness about thinking about things in any other way that always annoys me. The emphasis is totally on weight which yeah duh but I mean about a number on the scale. There is no other way to in the program to show weight loss such as measurements. And I know this is practical but you see these women are so obsessed with that number. Who if they don't see a big loss are devastated. They do not focus on being healthy but on that number. So this is where WW is not punk.
For me, I have to admit to a certain amount of wanting to look thin. Hell yeah it would be nice to wear a bikini to the pool and not look like an encased sausage. But a big part is to counter the effects of smoking by having a strong heart. And none of this necessarily has to do with a weight on the scale. It has to do with my waist measurement.
Okay so I caved, just as I cave every year. I don't usually tell anyone. I just kind of quietly make them in my head. Then I announce them once I've quit. This saves me the guilt but lets people say "Oh you're so wonderful." And who doesn't love to hear that?
This year I vowed to quit smoking (again) and to lose the 20lbs I gained since leaving WW plus another 10. And already, week three into January have accomplished one...I quit smoking. Hurray. Okay party over. It sucks, and I still miss smoking but I promised not just myself but my kids I'd stop.
And I'm working on number 2. I rejoined WW. So far the same slow but steady loss. Of course if I could stay really within the plan it might be more. I have to admit though that I'm not as giddy about the program. I still like the concepts behind it, and I think that it works. Its more that rigidness about thinking about things in any other way that always annoys me. The emphasis is totally on weight which yeah duh but I mean about a number on the scale. There is no other way to in the program to show weight loss such as measurements. And I know this is practical but you see these women are so obsessed with that number. Who if they don't see a big loss are devastated. They do not focus on being healthy but on that number. So this is where WW is not punk.
For me, I have to admit to a certain amount of wanting to look thin. Hell yeah it would be nice to wear a bikini to the pool and not look like an encased sausage. But a big part is to counter the effects of smoking by having a strong heart. And none of this necessarily has to do with a weight on the scale. It has to do with my waist measurement.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Ginger is Alive but not well
The semester is finally over. It has not been my best semester. My brain felt a step behind every reading. And I was not as enthusiastic as I was the first year. Not sure why...actually the old passion I had as an undergrad is gone. I am not sure if that passion was really healthy anyway. My whole life revolved around school, fantasies of the intellectual life, etc. I was in love with being a student. There was a sense that the stuff we were working on was the most important stuff in the world. I definitely don't feel like that anymore.
I still love to learn but I feel vaguely uncomfortable about this lifestyle. It feels so hedonistic. I am going to graduate school because I love to learn. I love to read theory, etc. But deep down I know that teaching at Midwood was definitely doing better things for the world. And really the most important thing in my world are my children. All these things have combined to create a rather ambiguous fog in which I moved about this semester.
There were days when I really longed to be able to just be with my kids without worrying about the next paper or reading. And I got major house envy a few times. I started to really want my own home with a backyard...a minivan...hell, the whole suburban package. Of course I came to my senses quickly, and knew deep inside that I'd be bored with that lifestyle. But there is a part of me that longs to be able to want to like those things. It seems like life might be less complicated which is probably not true.
Sometimes, I think this all comes from hanging out mostly with moms who do stay at home. They do have their problems, and I acknowledge that but I often feel like the odd mom out. My life consists of two different worlds. One in which I am a homeschooling mom, and the other in which I am a graduate student. It's not easy to reconcile these two lives; in fact I am not sure if they are reconcilable.
I still love to learn but I feel vaguely uncomfortable about this lifestyle. It feels so hedonistic. I am going to graduate school because I love to learn. I love to read theory, etc. But deep down I know that teaching at Midwood was definitely doing better things for the world. And really the most important thing in my world are my children. All these things have combined to create a rather ambiguous fog in which I moved about this semester.
There were days when I really longed to be able to just be with my kids without worrying about the next paper or reading. And I got major house envy a few times. I started to really want my own home with a backyard...a minivan...hell, the whole suburban package. Of course I came to my senses quickly, and knew deep inside that I'd be bored with that lifestyle. But there is a part of me that longs to be able to want to like those things. It seems like life might be less complicated which is probably not true.
Sometimes, I think this all comes from hanging out mostly with moms who do stay at home. They do have their problems, and I acknowledge that but I often feel like the odd mom out. My life consists of two different worlds. One in which I am a homeschooling mom, and the other in which I am a graduate student. It's not easy to reconcile these two lives; in fact I am not sure if they are reconcilable.
Doing Nothing In NC
Time for my semester end update. For all those dying to know...No, Umberto is not reading. He can read a few of this Brand New Readers books but hasn't made much process on phonics. "Sounding out" words has become a tortuous event for all involved.
Me: Okay the b sound is baaa.
Umberto: Baaa?
Me: And then ahhhh sound.
Umberto: ahhh?
Me: The last sound is "daaa."
Umberto: daaaa?
Me" Let's put them all together.
Umberto: ?
He did pick out a couple of workbooks which he likes to do but it takes a lot of help from me. He has listened to me read a couple of chapter books which he wouldn't do last year at this time. We've read all the Spiderwick books, and Charlotte's Web. We're at the beginning of Clive Barker's "The Thief of Always" which is tough for him as it NO pictures at all. He also love his Star Wars Comics and wants to be able to read them on his own.
What keeps me from totally freaking out is his great love of knowledge. I mean, really this is what Horacio and I wanted to instill in our children. Umberto loves to go the library and get books out on a variety of subjects. He asks lots of questions, and is observant of what is happening around him. I see these things as a sign that yes indeed there is life in there! And while I do worry when I am with the "geniuses" of the homeschooling world, I try to remember that Umberto is his own person with his own timetable.
Household's current obsessions: Dinosaurs, Star Wars (still), lizards, doggies (there's nothing like watching Camille scratch her ear with her foot).
Me: Okay the b sound is baaa.
Umberto: Baaa?
Me: And then ahhhh sound.
Umberto: ahhh?
Me: The last sound is "daaa."
Umberto: daaaa?
Me" Let's put them all together.
Umberto: ?
He did pick out a couple of workbooks which he likes to do but it takes a lot of help from me. He has listened to me read a couple of chapter books which he wouldn't do last year at this time. We've read all the Spiderwick books, and Charlotte's Web. We're at the beginning of Clive Barker's "The Thief of Always" which is tough for him as it NO pictures at all. He also love his Star Wars Comics and wants to be able to read them on his own.
What keeps me from totally freaking out is his great love of knowledge. I mean, really this is what Horacio and I wanted to instill in our children. Umberto loves to go the library and get books out on a variety of subjects. He asks lots of questions, and is observant of what is happening around him. I see these things as a sign that yes indeed there is life in there! And while I do worry when I am with the "geniuses" of the homeschooling world, I try to remember that Umberto is his own person with his own timetable.
Household's current obsessions: Dinosaurs, Star Wars (still), lizards, doggies (there's nothing like watching Camille scratch her ear with her foot).
Umberto, the crafty one...
Here's a few pictures of Umberto's paintings over the fall:This is the behive, he and I made after reading Gail Gibbon's book on bees.
Here's the spaceship collage. This one was a lot of fun.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
It's My Birthday...and I'll Cry if I Want To...
Actually it was my birthday yesterday but I couldn't very well blog on my birthday. Jeez. Okay and I'm not actually crying.
Yes I am another year older. 34. It's a strange age. I don't feel old which I'm not but I'm not really young either. Right now my hair is some horrible red color highlighted with gray. Yup gray. I am now in the camp where I have to dye my hair. Oh yeah I could be totally hippie and let it gray but I just am not ready for that yet. I have fine lines around my eyes and my mouth but I'm not trying to stop smiling. I no longer try to be hip. I'm not as worried about my clothes. Hell, I leave the house with out make up all the time now. And I feel wiser, less stressed, less freaked about little things than I used to be. I don't care what people think when I pretend to be a t-Rex at the park with my kids. Those things don't matter.
But new things do matter. I'm a lot more political than I used to be. This strikes me as odd because this is supposed to happen when you're a teenager. But I realized that there is a difference between my political concerns now. When I was a teen I was very idealistic, and very harsh in my perception of what needed to happen. I was so liberal, and so dedicated to that view that I had a hard time seeing anything else. As I have gotten older I have realized that things are much more complicated than I used to think. I have to think about things before I'll join a protest or sign a petition. I am now more concerned with simple actions like recycling and teaching my children to respect the Earth and her creatures. I want to end war because I know it could just easily be my children being bombed as someone else's.
And it's funny because we are so unsettled in many ways at this point. We're both grad. Students. We don't own a house. We drive junky but good cars. We're still in that gypsy mentality. Yet we're also more settled in many ways then so many people I know who own houses and minivans. I see so much discontent, so many dreams left on the side of the road to stability. We have not compromised that which makes us whole people. I am so proud that we managed this. We may not have what others see as a complete and mature life but we do have a sense that what we're doing is right for us. I don't think Horacio or I will ever look back and say "Shit why didn't I do that?"
Yes I am another year older. 34. It's a strange age. I don't feel old which I'm not but I'm not really young either. Right now my hair is some horrible red color highlighted with gray. Yup gray. I am now in the camp where I have to dye my hair. Oh yeah I could be totally hippie and let it gray but I just am not ready for that yet. I have fine lines around my eyes and my mouth but I'm not trying to stop smiling. I no longer try to be hip. I'm not as worried about my clothes. Hell, I leave the house with out make up all the time now. And I feel wiser, less stressed, less freaked about little things than I used to be. I don't care what people think when I pretend to be a t-Rex at the park with my kids. Those things don't matter.
But new things do matter. I'm a lot more political than I used to be. This strikes me as odd because this is supposed to happen when you're a teenager. But I realized that there is a difference between my political concerns now. When I was a teen I was very idealistic, and very harsh in my perception of what needed to happen. I was so liberal, and so dedicated to that view that I had a hard time seeing anything else. As I have gotten older I have realized that things are much more complicated than I used to think. I have to think about things before I'll join a protest or sign a petition. I am now more concerned with simple actions like recycling and teaching my children to respect the Earth and her creatures. I want to end war because I know it could just easily be my children being bombed as someone else's.
And it's funny because we are so unsettled in many ways at this point. We're both grad. Students. We don't own a house. We drive junky but good cars. We're still in that gypsy mentality. Yet we're also more settled in many ways then so many people I know who own houses and minivans. I see so much discontent, so many dreams left on the side of the road to stability. We have not compromised that which makes us whole people. I am so proud that we managed this. We may not have what others see as a complete and mature life but we do have a sense that what we're doing is right for us. I don't think Horacio or I will ever look back and say "Shit why didn't I do that?"
Sunday, August 06, 2006
So close
I have, as of Saturday, lost 38 lbs.
Whoa. I did this! I did it without starving. Without smoking! I love to exercise now. I go to sporting good stores and drool. What happened to the old Ginger?
And yes it comes to that doesn't it? This whole new identity thing. Saturday at our meeting, I was looking at the WW levels of change. At the core is identity. I kept thinking I was at that one, and that I would occasionally wander off but really it's much more complicated. I have been slowly building this identity since January and there's a long ways to go. I don't know if dwelling is the right word to use in terms of this identity.
This whole identity thing is definitely the most important and the most difficult part of WW. And it's not just because I'm used to thinking of myself as a fat girl. It has to do with the fact that most of my life has been spent and shaped by a certain weight. I created an identity for myself that was forged when I was a big girl. As I shed this weight, there is a part of me that feels like I shedding her as well. She has been slowly shed through other life changing events of course but there was a part of her still clinging on in the back closet of my head. Now as I lose the weight and I make lifestyle changes that ensure that this weight will stay lost, I find that she's putting up quite a fight. I'm not the same person, and I'm not ever going back to that person. So even while I'm so happy, I'm also scared. I don't know what life will be like with this new person that's me.
Maybe it's just me, and everyone who reads this will think I need some serious meds, but it seems that getting to identity in the levels of changes is more than just seeing ourselves as thin people. It involves a lot more work in figuring out what it means to be smaller, and what it means to have a healthy lifestyle. I'm not saying that we become drastically different people. I'm still a snarky bitch but I'm also a snarky bitch who loves to go to Dick's Sporting Goods and drool over exercise equipment.
Whoa. I did this! I did it without starving. Without smoking! I love to exercise now. I go to sporting good stores and drool. What happened to the old Ginger?
And yes it comes to that doesn't it? This whole new identity thing. Saturday at our meeting, I was looking at the WW levels of change. At the core is identity. I kept thinking I was at that one, and that I would occasionally wander off but really it's much more complicated. I have been slowly building this identity since January and there's a long ways to go. I don't know if dwelling is the right word to use in terms of this identity.
This whole identity thing is definitely the most important and the most difficult part of WW. And it's not just because I'm used to thinking of myself as a fat girl. It has to do with the fact that most of my life has been spent and shaped by a certain weight. I created an identity for myself that was forged when I was a big girl. As I shed this weight, there is a part of me that feels like I shedding her as well. She has been slowly shed through other life changing events of course but there was a part of her still clinging on in the back closet of my head. Now as I lose the weight and I make lifestyle changes that ensure that this weight will stay lost, I find that she's putting up quite a fight. I'm not the same person, and I'm not ever going back to that person. So even while I'm so happy, I'm also scared. I don't know what life will be like with this new person that's me.
Maybe it's just me, and everyone who reads this will think I need some serious meds, but it seems that getting to identity in the levels of changes is more than just seeing ourselves as thin people. It involves a lot more work in figuring out what it means to be smaller, and what it means to have a healthy lifestyle. I'm not saying that we become drastically different people. I'm still a snarky bitch but I'm also a snarky bitch who loves to go to Dick's Sporting Goods and drool over exercise equipment.
Piper Blue
I have finally come to my youngest. It is the nature of the youngest to fall behind in photos and explanations. By the time, I reach three, I am tired. It is not that I lose the words but more that I lose the energy to go through another explanation. Another exploration of the characteristics that form a human being.
Piper Blue is my sweet lovie. She is the mellow anchor to our craziness. She kisses and loves on us as we bounce from chaos to crazy. But make no mistake that this child is not a pushover. She makes her stand against the older two without fear.
Piper wants so much to do everything that the other two do. She's determinded to not be left behind. And while she rushes toward age with her arms open, she gladly returns to my arms to become once again my baby.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Her Royal Highness Camille Marie
Camille is not your typical middle child. There is not a chance this child will be forgotten in the middle. She has only recently started to talk, and seeing the world through Camille eyes is quite amusing and amazing. Camille is smart. She does see things as others do. She has her own take on the ways things are and the way things will work. She's independent and distant (except with her daddy). When she was a baby people would admire her, and she would turn to them with this cold haughty stare. She makes people uncomfortable. Now that she's decided to be social, she scares the hell out of other kids. She gets two inches from their faces and talks Camillesque to them. And with babies, it's hilarious. She treats them the same ways she treats dogs. She gets so excited she shakes and then wiggles her hands in their faces.
Favorite Quote: I'm a bad guy.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Jedi Knight Umberto
Yup, my six year old is hopelessly into Star Wars. I guess not all that surprising considering his mom. Umberto is a Gemini. Horror of horrors really. And yes he acts like one. I know I have Gemini friends out there laughing at this twist of fate. He's also the most like his dad: handsome, passionate, sulky, and on the moody side. But he's has my love of people, and has tons of friends. As his mom I think he's dreadfully handsome, and there are number of ladies who think so as well. Horacio poisoned him musically by introducing him to Phish at a concert when Umberto was three. Now he can't deal with anything remotely heavy. He adores Bob Marley and Devendra Barnhart. Currently he loves bugs, and is terrified of fairies.
Meet Da Family
Many people who view this blog have websites (they're not as lazy as I), and on those websites they share their families. I, for one, love to see other people's families. I'm one of those people who don't moan when people haul out photo albums. Thus it's not a great surprise that I love to view these online photo albums. What's missing though is the stories.
The stories are those little explanations that come with each picture. I love hearing about how that picture of Little Sue Sue was taken after she drank a fifth of vodka and called some girl a slut. The stories compliment the pictures and tell more about not just the photo but about the person showing the photos.
With that in mind, I'm going to introduce my lovely nuclear, suburban family one by one. I thought I'd use this post as a brief introduce to the Stickney-Castillo brood. And yes we really do have a brood...
Horacio and I meet six years ago at a party. I drank 6 shots of vodka and kicked a door shut in his face when he tried to be my knight. Yes I often point out to him that it was a good warning to run for the hills. Alas he didn't, and we ended up married with children. Scary. I'm one of those people who probably shouldn't have bred but hell they're here now, and if anything they're cute.
So the nuclear part of our family: Umberto, 6, Camille 3, and Piper Blue 14 months. They're nutsy little fairies but we love them and shelter them. Sometimes we even feed them.
Thanks for sharing your families, hope you enjoy mine.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
The Bitch is Back
After a umm...issue...I deleted the last blog. But never fear Green Tea Ginger is back, and yes oh yes she's badder than ever before.
Monday, June 19, 2006
A is for Apple
I finally got off my lazy butt and started working with Umberto on his letter sounds. He's not really thrilled but we managed to have a good time. I drew a huge A on a piece of poster paper, and we looked in magazines for pictures of things that began with A. We drew a few things, and we put up a picture of my brother Adam. I'm sure he'll be thrilled when I tell him. What was really neat though is that after I wrote the word for each picture Umberto insisted that he copy the words himself. It's the first indication he's shown towards writing.
Umberto's always been one of those kids who make dramatic leaps. We always despaired as the milestone timelines came up, and he didn't do anything he was supposed to. He rolled at six months, walked at 16 months, talked at three and a half, etc. Reading is turning out to be the same. One day he hated books, refused to learn his letters, and now he's determined to read and to write. No pushing from us either...In fact he's had to push US to get going. It's amazing.
Of course the girls were not to be left out of the fun. Camille used the stickers her grandpa had sent for her birthday...
Look Ma, using my hands.
And Piper...Well Piper discovered that paint does not taste as good as it looks...
Umberto's always been one of those kids who make dramatic leaps. We always despaired as the milestone timelines came up, and he didn't do anything he was supposed to. He rolled at six months, walked at 16 months, talked at three and a half, etc. Reading is turning out to be the same. One day he hated books, refused to learn his letters, and now he's determined to read and to write. No pushing from us either...In fact he's had to push US to get going. It's amazing.
Of course the girls were not to be left out of the fun. Camille used the stickers her grandpa had sent for her birthday...
Look Ma, using my hands.
And Piper...Well Piper discovered that paint does not taste as good as it looks...
And finally, it great to see the empowered Umberto again. I missed that energy and that total confidence that infused him. School really sucked that out of him. It was heartbreaking to listen to him call himself stupid. He didn't have any faith in his ability to learn. Now he's confident of his own smarts. Once again I see the boy who has total faith in himself.
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