Lately, the past doesn't want to stay away. It keeps knocking on the front door. There is no creeping going on in these unpleasant visits. Rolling around in the past does not always have to be a bad experience. Like most parents, I relish looking at the kids' baby pictures. I enjoy thinking about how I meet H. But the past lately has been a real roll in something that doesn't smell so nice.
And it wasn't really a retrospective on all my past deeds, relationships, etc. And honestly it wasn't FB. I know that I am not the same person from the past. But sometimes you encounter things in the present that bring up how you were, and make you realize that it is easy to fall back into those old patterns, to dredge something up about yourself that is unpleasant.
I fell into old behaviors so easily, and without even thinking about it until the fall out. And I admit to spending a few weeks feeling so pretty intense self-loathing. I had to face a really ugly part of myself that I had hoped was gone. But it was still there. And when given a chance, it rose up and made itself known.
The self-loathing is fading. Perhaps the facing of that part of my personality--the part that likes to control, that likes having power over people, that is feed on insecurity--was necessary. When you grab hold of those demons, they are a bit easier to banish. It's the demons that you ignore that gnaw away at you.
4 comments:
Ginger, every time I've ever thought "Whew, I'm done with THAT!" - I was wrong.
It's kinda like really strong acid when you say wow, guess I'm past the peak, should get mellow now ... well there's another peak, and another ... Each one might be a little lower ... but the ride stays wild ...
The poet Charles Olson once wrote: W don't change / We only stand more revealed.
Sad but true. Or not sad; isn't this how we learn compassion, for self and others?
I think yes on the last question. And I'd rather stand revealed than just denying the unsavory parts of myself. I am not sure if we don't change though. I think we do...sometimes for the better sometimes not. My relationship with H is nothing like my past relationships. I think that was part of what made this return so shocking. I hadn't been that way in so long.
How 'bout this compromise: While we change, the past is always with us...?
Like that one.
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