The Wrong Side of Thirty

Time for the annual birthday posts! Of course I think this is only the second one[actually my third but hey who's counting?]...but I have kept a journal most of my life and I always write on my birthdays. I wrote on my 25th birthday that for me birthdays felt like the real New Year. On my birthdays, I always ponder where I have gone, and where I plan to go. I am never one to make hard plans or even resolutions but there is something about my birthday that makes me reflect on my life.

This year, I am 36. And it was a much harder number for me than any of my previous ones. Forty is looming, and I know it's not old but I feel somehow like maybe I should be more grown up by 40. You know a job, a house that I actually own, etc. But that voice is easily stilled when I think about damn content I am in my life right now. I told my mom that I used to yearn to be a published writer but now...my blog makes me happy with the readership I have, and I love school (minus adviser issues). Plus the real achievements are my greatest loves: H, Umberto, Camille, and Piper. With them there is so little to want...just the world for them...but for me? I don't know how it could really be any better, cooler, or more wonderful. Okay a million dollars wouldn't hurt.

And I suppose that some of this sadness over the approaching 40 comes from looking back. It's hard to believe that it was almost 20 years ago I was a gothe girl who didn't imagine making it to 40. I often have a hard time reconciling that girl with the woman I am now. And there is a bit of mourning over that lost spirit. Complicating that whole mourning are the multiple wrongs not made right, the things not ended, etc. There is a whole chunk of my life that is still this gaping wound. Don't get me wrong, it's a much smaller wound but it's still a wound. I just sometimes wish it would finally heal.

But anyway...today is my birthday. It didn't get much notice in the "real world" but I was overjoyed to see so many greetings on my facebook. It touched me that so many people all around the world took the time to wish me a good one. And a whole year has gone by again..a whole year full of drama, joy, and travel. A year of many changes...some occurring only in the last few days but a great year. New friends, closer friends, and a whole years worth of blogging under my belt. I hope that next year is as exciting although I am going to wish for a little more sleep.