My facebook status on Sunday at 11 p.m. was simply "Ginger has completed her MA." And I had. My final paper was written. I had one more day of class and it was over. Just like that. Today I found out that I had gotten an As in both classes so a nice to way to finish out the last four years. But....
Well there's this intense feeling of "What the hell do I do know?" I find myself wandering around aimlessly, searching for something to do. I have plenty to do but can't seem to focus my mind on anything. I'm feeling myself get down, maybe even a little depressed. It's so strange to have longed for this moment and then to feel just a bit lost. I've always had a hard time not letting the past hold onto me with it's tentative threads.
On a good note, I had a most awesome day after classes. Dinosaur Jr played a little club not too far from our house. I'm not a big fan but thought it would be nuts to not see them. A bunch of my friends meet at our place (including the fab. adviser). We drank wine, and ate. I loved being with everyone, all of us giddy about the show. S, the adviser, was a lot of fun, and it was great hanging out with him as a friend and not as a mentor. We all walked over to the show, saw most of the Mike Watt set. And then....wow. It was a great music moment for me. I wasn't expecting to be blown away, just expecting to have some fun. Dinosaur Jr. is one of those bands that I think sound so much better live. They were LOUD. Real loud. Had a pleasant ear ringing all day yesterday kind of loud. I DANCED for two hours. I couldn't help myself. I forgot how much I love to dance, to move my body, feel the music just take over, and not give a shit what I look like or who is watching. And because I'm not gaga over Dinosaur Jr. I was really able to let myself go. I realize now that it was also a release for me, being able to dance all thought away, to let go of the stress, the emotional shit I've been dealing with lately, all of it was gone. It was too hours of just being pulled and possessed by the loud, loud music. Amazing.
I'm sure I acted utterly strange after the show. When the music ended, I felt...disconnected from everyone. I honestly wanted to just go somewhere for an hour and let myself come back. But I had all these friends to walk home with, and ended up forcing that self back in I think too early. I wanted to hold on to the moment for just a little longer, that moment of utter disconnect where there was only my body, and the whoowhoo of guitar pedals.
4 comments:
Congrats, Mistress Ginger (is that what one calls a person with an MA?).
Glad you got to dance away a little of the disorientation. Every time I've been in your situation I've wandered in useless circles for a couple of weeks. Then a new pattern begins to emerge, and ... life goes on, as 2Pac had it, in his song about death. Which is relevant, because you've just experienced a death of sorts.
So, try to enjoy the lost feeling, don't worry about what you accomplish or not for the next little while, just tell yourself I've earned this, and for a while I'm just one of the lilies of the field ...
Congrats again!
Thanks John. It is like a death, and I'll find myself back into Bataille world with that thought! But yes I know I just need to let myself be for a bit. I have a lot of other shit happening in the background but that is easing up, and some of the burden of it is being taken from me.
I'm listening to that show now and listening to it again, in such a different setting, really quietly cause the kids are asleep, it REALLY was an amazing show!! :)
Music has a way to take us to other places: a truly ecstatic experience. An experience that involves leaving all of our shit behind into a space where only our senses (without thought) exist... we become all feeling beings without the hangover that thoughts sometimes bring with them.
I enjoyed dancing with you all night: another ecstatic experience, THANKS!
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