Fear and Love

In small steps for the blueberry's appearance. This pregnancy has been surprisingly easy for me. Normally, I detest being pregnant but this time have reached a very zen place with it all. Even with an almost 60lb. weigh gain. I even enjoy watching the blueberry shift my belly into waves of movement. The settling of the same belly into a lopsided lump with a tiny ass poking out. I even talk to the baby which is so not me. I used to read aloud with the others but this time I find myself caressing the poking lumps and talking directly to said blueberry. Needless to say I feel quite close already to this new life. And with that feeling of closeness comes fear.

I go into each pregnancy with less ignorance than before. And this time I feel almost too knowledgeable. Because the price for that knowledge is lots of paranoia and fear. This time I have a lot of fear surround PROM (Premature Rupture of Membranes). This is essentially what happened to me with U and C. And they were both premature. Now I've learned that babies can die from this occurrence. I didn't know that before. I just figured that it was normal to have your water break before you had contractions. I spent last night awake and worrying that I was going to lose this baby.

This is all coming from, I think, my decision to let go and love. I had realized after a very rough spring last year that I distance myself from those I love because I am scared that I'll lose them. To death. To not being good enough for them. To something. I learned it was crippling to live that way and not fair to those who loved you with the abandon that you did not have. So I let go of the fear and embraced the inferno. And it does indeed burn you up again and again. But now I"m coping with the fear that comes from not holding back. The fear that comes from being so close, so in love. First there was Umberto's first seizure, where I stood by the door unable to be in the bedroom because the thought of watching my beloved boy die was killing me. And now there is this fear that something will happen to this baby that I don't even know yet. The fear is as crippling as the holding back so I know I have to let it go. But this letting go is so hard.