Musings Over Joy

I should be in bed but am spiraling down for some kind of surge of crazy energy. I have tomorrows dinner ready for the crock pot. A quiche cooked for sometime next week. I made brownies. The cloth diapers had their final wash and are now deliciously soft. I graded 45 tests and now only have about 20 more to go. And finally I feel somewhat sleepy.

But today was a beautiful day in its simplicity and quiet. We all stayed in, tucked away from the rain. Everyone was stiller than usual as if we were all caught up in a moment outside of time, outside of bustling and hectic energy. H and I had a lot to do but there was none of that panic that comes from being overwhelmed. We just sat down and chipped away, smiling at each other reams of paper, taking turns to meet little beastie needs.

Later in the day, I made a grocery run. I needed to pick up the food I think I'd want to eat while in labor, and round out our weekly grocery needs. It was nice to be alone. I've been craving a lot of alone time lately. Usually I nap when H takes the kids out so this alone time was precious...I was conscious. On my way back, from the store, I started to think about how amazingly wonderful this pregnancy has been. I who normally hate being pregnant was really just so in the space of being pregnant this time around. It was a glorious thing to feel those first flutters that have now turned to fully belly ripples of limbs moving and a little body shifting. I didn't hurt like I normally do and despite a huge weight gain, I didn't feel unwieldy. I was able to laugh at my waddle, and to rest in the glory of my round belly. I felt strong and powerful. I still do. I hope that carries into labor.

For me this baby is a healer. It has healed much of the pain that I wrecked on my own life and on my family last year. It has healed the way that I see my body. It has given me a confidence that I did not I possessed. This baby is a miracle as all my babies were. I wish now that I had slowed down and appreciated those in urtero moments.

And as I thought about this, I felt a bit sad that this is it. I will never do this again. My body will not grow anymore life. But I still have many years left of nurturing not just this body within me but the bodies of my family that surrounds me. We are all cupped in each other's hands.