Tuesday, April 06, 2010

No Right To Whine

I'm only at 37 weeks give a few days toward 38 so honestly I have no right to whine. There are women who go way past 40. But for me this is a long pregnancy. I have never been this pregnant. And in addition, I am having lots of "signs" that fizzle out to nothing. I felt so confident and proud of my body through this whole pregnancy. I felt strong. Felt like I made good decisions in terms of moving and eating. Enough so that I didn't freak too much out by my nearly 60lb weight gain. And honestly when I sailed by that 36 week mark I was pretty overjoyed as it meant that I could give birth at the center.

And now here I am not trusting my body. Today for the third time I thought labor was imminent. But after six hours of regular, fairly painful contractions, nothing. I told people. Canceled my classes. all for nothing. It's discouraging and makes me question my ability to even read my body. I keep hearing that I have to trust the baby, trust my body. And I honestly want to scream "Why should I?" At this point, there seems to be a lot of confusion on some one's part...

Last night, in the dark, with a breeze coming from the open window, I could feel the baby's presence like a breath. The nearness was a ghost touch but still there not solid but so real. I want to know this baby. I want to trust that this small presence knows when to come. Knows what to do. I want to believe in my body's ability to labor. To bring this life out when it is time. For now, I have to struggle against the tears, the frustration of living each day in expectation. And relishing those far fewer tosses and turmoils that ripple like earthquakes across my swollen stomach.


Horacio said...

don't give up on your (and the blueb's) ability to know when the right time is here. "maybe [definitely] everything ok" ;)

Erica said...

I can relate. My daughters were born before their due date but with the last one, who was 6 days early I was going crazy because there were no signs that she was going to ever be born. The day before she was born I walked a lot. I took the bus and went to the university, walk to my department to do some administrative stuff, walked to the library to get some books, went to another building to meet my dh and have lunch with him, I walked the whole morning and even joke with all the people that I bumped into that this baby was not going to be born any time soon. I went home and the next morning at 4 AM I started having contractions. My dd was born before 10AM that same morning.

So don't give up. But while you wait for labor to start, walk, sit on a yoga ball, and drink raspberry leave tea.

Good luck!

Word verification: syclase :)