Sunday, April 11, 2010

From the Mouth of Camille

As I'm sitting in the recliner, reclined naturally, and moaning about the lack of Blueberry, Camille looks over and says "Come on Mama, it's nice, warm and comfortable in there. He (the kids are determined I'm having a boy child)'s happy in there." Makes sense coming from Camille as she was the one who let out the scream of horror upon arrival. She didn't want to be born. I was on the pit for 12 hours with her, and it was touch and go in terms of a C-section. Luckily she came, albeit unwilling, shortly before the OB showed up.

Camille's birth was seriously traumatic for me. It was not a planned pregnancy nor did it come at the best time. Combined with some other icky circumstances it was a big depression fest for me. The birth seemed like a manifestation of all that crud. I warred between wanting this baby so much and not wanting the baby at all. We had decided on one child (ha now right?), and having this baby meant that I was going to have to keep teaching. H had a really hard time with these emotions, and really felt that I was rejecting the baby. It was a wretched time for all of us.

My water broke at 5 am. in bed 36 weeks into my pregnancy. We rushed to the hospital because we thought her birth would be quick as my son's had been. But it wasn't. It was bad from the get go. The nurse who saw me was rude and kept insisting I had peed myself before she even checked me. Finally she checked and my water had broken. No apology. Then she was really nasty about me coming in so early. I explained to her that my first birth had been very fast and that they wanted me to come in as soon as there was any sign of labor. She made some comment about how water breaking was not necessarily a sign of labor and that they were no doubt going to have to put me on pitocin. And it just went down hill from there. After walking around for a couple of hours, I was bullied into the pit. And then after nasty nurse left, worried, frantic, wow your husband is hot nurse came. When she wasn't trying to push an epidural on me, she was flirting with H. It was so nightmarish. Basically, they jumped the pit as high as they dared, and I suffered through the contractions from hell, and finally was able to push (they tried to flip me on my back until I threatened to kill the nurse...midwife jumped in and said "I can deliver from this angle."). And there she was, angry, expelled from the warm, comfortable place. My daughter. Perfect and beautiful right from the beginning.

I am remembering this because I think maybe Camille gets the blueberry in ways the other two beasties don't. Both Umberto and Piper were ready to be born. Neither made much of a fuss upon leaving the womb. Camille needed more time, and obviously the blueberry does as well. I'm impatient and excited to meet this new beastie. I can't deny this. I'm done being pregnant. I'm huge, unwieldy, tired. I want my body back. But I also want to honor the blueberry's need to be warm and comfortable. To come out into this world when he/she feels ready to see it. I wish Camille had had that option.

1 comment:

Lolabola* said...

great post! what a great mom you are.