See

It's late. H and I just spent hours talking about our fears, worries, people's attitudes about race and Down syndrome. I have so much swirling through my mind that it's hard for me to settle anything into coherent sentences.

But there's this...

If you're following me on Twitter, you'll likely have noticed that I'm doing a photo a day project from Rethink Church. Today the word was see. This ia me seeing Jude. I don't think it's the exact moment when things came together for me...I was still seeing the Down syndrome but I was also starting to see her. And perhaps it's a lovely moment because I was seeing both things. After all while she is not Down syndrome but she does have that extra something.  But I also see this photo as me beginning to see a whole different sides to things. Seeing things that are ugly about myself. Seeing that Jude was like my other beasties. Seeing that because she was beautiful and perfect maybe my ideas about those words needed to be rethought. Seeing humanity. Seeing birth. And life. Just seeing.

There is nothing to compare to this seeing...the seeing that comes right after birth. To look down and lock eyes with that baby, that creature that has grown inside your body. That child that is your soul and your heart. And with Jude it was intensified because of the fear I carried, the worry, the grieving. When they laid her on my chest and I looked into her eyes...oh how I wish I could somehow capture that moment. The universe trembled, I swear, and I broke apart.