Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Nothing Brilliant

I think I just used my tiny bit of good thought on the beasties' blog. Thus those who come here for the daily post are only going to get an update, chatty post. That's what I feel capable of tonight. I'm tired. I'm trying to get off using Advil PM to sleep at night. There's a variety of reasons why: liver, hate being so dopey in the morning, etc. But it means that I'm functioning all day with no good sleep. Couple this with a hot day at the pool, and Ginger has just about reached her end.

Overall, I've had a lovely week. The kids have been enjoying our daily pool trips. I've done a little work on hammering out which grad schools I'm applying to and what I need to do for each application. I've gotten some good advice from my ex-advisor. I found out my job is secure and I even have a contract. Of course I also have a lot of work piling up that going to the pool is not putting a dent in. I wish I could past this thing where I do better work when I'm under a tight deadline.

H and I are making a big life choice. I'll tell more about that at a later date but it makes me happy that we hammered it out. I'm just dreading the gossip fall out that will surely follow. And there's another thing I wish I could past: caring what other people think. I'm working on it.

The last few days though, I've just so reconnected to my family. Sitting in the wading pool, while the kids swim around me, has made me feel content in a way I haven't felt in a long time. I think for a while I pinned it on not homeschooling. But then when I started to home school again, I still felt this strange disconnect, like I was a hundred miles away. Looking back, I think it was a big identity crisis. I wasn't sure what I wanted in life, where I was going, if I was happy where I was. I'm not sure what brought it on...does one ever really know what brings these moments on? But it was a struggle. I remember reading an article about a month ago about mothers who left their children with their exes and had their own lives. And I think that maybe that was something that was flitting through my mind. It broke my heart to even admit that to myself. But I pulled away from that...I knew that this what not what I wanted deep down. That I was just tired. Tired from the Master's, tired with dealing with four, tired period. When I really forced myself to imagine a life without H and the kids it was so dark and bleak. I didn't want to be with anyone else. I knew without a doubt that I adored and loved H, and I also knew I felt the same way about the kids. Perhaps it was the readjusting to a different kind of life. A life with the kids and H gone a lot more than I was accustomed to. And some of it was a big fear that I was getting old. That the young years were behind me. Today at the pool, I basked in my family and being close to H., blowing him kisses, teasing him, just feeling him close to me. I didn't feel trapped, old, or tired. I felt a live and blissfully happy. This is my wonderful life, I thought, and nothing, absolutely nothing, can touch this. It was a good feeling.

1 comment:

John B-R said...

About a month ago I had a total meltdown, realizing that I was living that old talking heads song: this is my beautiful blah blah blah. For real. And that I am getting old. And that the options are vanishing. I had no problem with what my life **was** Just that it was. Real. And that time had an arrow. And that I would never get anything else. I know what brought it on. Looking at a friend's wedding pics and realizing that all that festivity and joy had nothing to do with me. Her life was hers and mine was mine. Mine was mine. Mine was mine ... I don't know what made the cloud lift, though. If this is me, well ok. So be it. It's fine.