Free Fall

I've not written about the thesis in awhile because there was not much to say that didn't sound like whining. I finished it minus conclusion two weeks ago. Since that momentous moment, the thesis has been pretty much dead in the water. I tried to rewrite my introduction, ended up sobbing one night for something like two hours after my advisor sent me a note expressing concern over my poor writing skills. I feel this intense frustration as I have this idea in my head that is not translating into any kind of communicable language. And this in turn dredges up intense feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. When I talked to my adviser on Monday, she assured me this was normal. She encouraged me to keep going, that it was okay to let things sit, etc. We talked about my obsession with writing my introduction over and over. She suggested I was trying to build up ground beneath me and that this might not be the place to be doing that.

I like this idea of being in a kind of free fall space. And it does capture what I'm feeling. I'm not comfortable in this kind of space especially in terms of writing. I'm a writer that usually has an elaborate outline with tons of notes, and an organized approach. In fact, my blog is one space where I let go of that sort of tight control over my writing (which is why I seem scattered, disorganized, and often employ poor writing skills!) This thesis was written in a way similar to how I blog write. And I feel very lost....or up in the air. Now I feel like I'm falling, like I've lost control of this thing, and right now I'm sure if my wings are going to sprout.