Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Domestic Ginger Fails Again

My imagined alter ego, Domestic Ginger, is exiting almost purely in the imagination. At times she makes an appearance and sweeps through our apartment with super like powers but mostly I just stomp her down. Today for instance. I got up with great intentions but I foolishly got on the computer, got wrapped up in some issue and before I knew it it was late. I did make my grocery list and responded to some students but really I did nothing. Now R is asleep on my lap and I need to shower and get to the store before five. And as usual I sit here feeling guilty, lazy, and unmotivated.

Why oh why Ginger can you just not be productive? There are so many excuses. R hasn't really slept in three days so I'm tired. I'm emotionally upset about a few things and just want to sort of stew in my misery over them. I feel done with the old house and want to move onto the new. I feel like then I can start a whole new life in which I will be super motivated and June Cleaver like.

Over the weekend I did an experiment where I didn't get on the computer until the evening. It was kind of awesome how much I got done. But it also sucked because cleaning all day is not my idea of a good time. But I kept thinking that if I could just motivate myself to do this each day it wouldn't take all day because things wouldn't reach critical mass of nastiness.

But I stopped doing it Monday. In my own defense I did need to be on the computer in order to get some work done. And of course once I got on, I had to partake of my crack book addiction. And now it's Wednesday and my house is trashed again.

This is the story of my life in some many ways, and I can't help but wonder if this laziness is the reason why I didn't get accepted to a Ph.D program. And it sort of haunts me each time I look at the papers scattered over the floor, or the books that R just pulled off the shelf. Perhaps if I wasn't such a lazy scholar I would be happily looking forward to a starting a program. If I had studied to the GREs, actually applied myself I might have scored higher. If I had just put more work into my SOP. If I read more. If I hadn't procrastinated on my papers. In other words, if I could just focus on things and dedicated myself to them would I not just be better? Because somewhere I do believe that so much of the crap, failure in my life is due to me and my inability to focus on things.

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