Choices

There were three days until Thanksgiving and that was when the loneliness took up a more permanent residence. She had spoken to her mom that evening, and there had been a promise of a bus ticket home. One way was the only condition. Right now she was not sure why she was hesitating. What she had here was a whole list of bad decisions. First, moving here with no job, no friends. Just him. And he was proving to be just another check in that long list. Two, staying with a married man. Three, staying with a married man who told you were fat all the time and wasn't all that nice. Four, losing a good job just so she could hang out more with her friends. Five, letting him move her into a house that belonged to his wife's friend. Six, having to leave said house when the shit hit the fan. It was too much to list them out and she felt crushed under the despair that each check off caused.

Here she was lying in the guest room of another friend. She knew she was imposing on him and his girlfriend. She felt pretty sure that the girl friend kind of hated her. She made sure she was out either working or with her clubbing friends more than she was in but it didn't really make a difference. And she was lying her alone because he wasn't ever going to leave his wife. He had played this game again and again. Plus she wasn't sure if she actually wanted him to leave his wife. She wasn't sure if she really wanted him full time. Deciding to love this man had forged a whole chain of horrible decisions that left her in a darkness that she couldn't help but feel was her own making.

Going home would not involve a triumphant return. Instead she would come wounded, broken and in defeat. Those who had warned her to not go would shake their heads at her failure. She should have stayed home, they would say. And what irked was that they were right. She should have stayed home. She should have kept taking classes, and moved towards a job. Instead she had folded her doubts into a small little note and tucked them deep inside, jumping at the chance to finally escape.