I realized that I sounded way more nasty and bitter than I wanted to let on in my last post. I really am not as depressed as the post made it sound. Yes I am a little bitter, and of course I'm disappointed even though there are multiple reasons why not going to graduate would be good. What is hard for me is that academia is something that I love doing. I am a stronger believer in doing what you love in life. We have a long life full of work and I don't want to spend my life hating what I do.
Now I have to figure out what else I love to do. Midwifery is an option but again, there is the problem with money. I love teaching but not high school, and I'm not sure if I want to make a life out of adjunct pay. I'm extremely excited to know that for at least a semester I will not be working outside of the home, and that is a bit embarrassing for me. I know I may have to turn in my feminist badge but I really do like being home with the kids, homeschooling, etc. I am not sure if this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. It may be and I'm trying to make myself open to that possibility. I also love to write and am thinking perhaps I should try doing that a bit more seriously. So many choices! And it's both frightening and wonderful to imagine.
I also should add that I really don't feel less for not getting the PH.D. I know I am a good candidate. I work hard and I am good at what I study. I am also likely to finish which is a big deal. Their loss. As my friend Mary reminded me, I have already had great success in life with my family. I could never feel like a failure when I look at the beasties. They are the best thing I have ever had done.
Nor do I resent H. Please don't doubt that I am so proud of him and thrilled that he got into college. He is a deserving candidate and he will rock the Ph.D. I also know that he will support me no matter what direction I am lead. And I know that he will always respect my choices.
But it does hurt and I am disappointed. However, it's going to be okay. Not getting my Ph.D is not the end of existence. I am not crushed or defeated. How could I be any of these things when I have the beasties and H? My bitter post was really supposed to be about the struggle to let go of negativity, to stop wishing ill on people who don't really deserve it. I suspect I just came across as shallow, petty and depressed. And honestly my feelings were pretty shallow and petty. But I am moving on and letting go.
4 comments:
I'm a bit naive in my understanding of the school system so this might be completely unfeaseable but its something i'm curious about. Is it possible for you to, in a way, become a 'private' school? Say you are the accredited teacher of the school so you should be able to have a class of 15 or so of all ages and do more of a "homeschool" type of curriculum for parents who want that for their children but can't do it themselves. The question of a teacher salary becomes the question but 15 students would be a $2k tuition per student for a $30k salary. You can do fund raisers just like other schools but make it more about learning about business, math, banking, production, demand and supply etc. There's always the other possibilities of benefits, scholarships, charity's and other donations.
I think the hardest part would be finding a place to teach. Maybe an elks lodge, veterans clubs, big library's or something for free rooms that will give you some leeway and let you store a locked locker on their premises?
I have a feeling it wouldn't work under the law. I know in NC that you can only have one other child who is not your own in the homeschool. My friend Mary and I have a dream of opening up a homeschooling place that one could bring their kids to attend classes, by resources, hold workshops, etc.
For one, no one loses their feminist badge for loving their children and wanting to give them a great life. I think everyone would agree that you have made awesome, feminist choices in the way you and H have decided to raise your beasties, and they will be great people for it!
Second, everyone needs to be about to get the negative feelings, so I don't think you were out of line or even all that bitter in your last post. Disappointment is disappointment -- you're not wrong to feel that.
That said, I know you will find something else and be as good at it as you were at academia. :)
Tho Kelli is right, you're not really a feminist for the badge, are you? I mean, feminism is only partially theatre, the rest is, to keep your Marley thing going, who feels it knows it.
Second, I think that all your reactions are the normal stages of grief.
Third, 5 years from now you'll be busy with something you can't dream of today. And you'll be loving it. One more Bob quote: When one door is closed, don't you know, another is open ...
Plus, you can always apply again next year for the PhD if you find that's what you really want to be doing ...
One of the things I love about you, is well, everything. I have complete confidence that Ginger will indeed be all right. But she wouldn't be Ginger if she didn't wear all her intense feelings on her sleeve ...
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