Tuesday, November 23, 2010


I had to delete my whiny post from yesterday so now I'm behind again. Today won't be the day I catch up. Right now I am in dire need of sleep. I need the sleep to heal and to gather the strength to gain some perspective.

Where I am now is that my GRE grades are really pretty dismal. They are not high enough to get me into most of the place I have either applied too or am applying too. What is even more difficult is that I still have two applications to send out, and as of last night I was thinking about just not sending them. I keep thinking it's a waste of money. But then there is still this tiny part of me that is hoping that somehow my GRE scores will be overlooked in favor of other more positive material. I guess it comes down to : betting on the dream or using the money for things we need. Decisions, decisions.

And I'm also wondering when I should start to really think about a back up plan. All this makes me feel very sad, like I'm in mourning. I am a little wrecked when I think I am not likely to get accepted.

Running through this all is this amazingly crippling self-doubt. Shouldn't a smart person be able to do well on this test? And if I'm not smart enough to do a Ph.D. then what makes me think I'm smart enough to do midwifery? I sometimes am not sure what I'm good for in the end.


John B-R said...

Ginger, both Kathy and I came away from our time with you knowing, not thinking, straight-up knowing, that you are utterly brilliant. I've spent my life around brilliant people, so I know how to recognize them. You can argue with me, but you'll be wasting your time. YOU ARE BRILLIANT. End of story.

Of course that doesn't mean you have great GREs. So it doesn't hurt to have a plan b. If plan b is midwifery, well, who better than you to to be a midwife? You have all the empathy, compassion, understanding, politics, etc etc.

I'm not saying you won't be able to succeed in plan a. I'm just saying that plan b is not failure. And I'm not saying that if you have to go to plan b you shouldn't mourn plan a. I'm just saying that there are many ways to succeed.

Besides, what if you were to use the time given by plan b to bring up those GREs and revert at some point to plan a if it still appeals. It's not like your decisions here are irrevocable.

But the main reason for writing is to say you are lovely brilliant wonderful and great. And don't ever let anybody, including yourself, tell you otherwise.

Ginger As in Green Tea... said...

I"m working on it John:) I feel much better after a bit of sleep. And I think that the midwifery would rock. And I'm sending out the last two applications...

Greywillow said...

Ginger lets get the Farm going! Wow to be around that wonder everyday how amazing would that be! By the way you are brilliant just like John said don't let a silly GRE make you doubt yourself. I hate tests!