Anxiety

Camille had heartburn Monday night. At seven. We were at a loss as to what would make her feel stressed enough to get heartburn. She hadn't eaten anything odd. It had to be stress. H and I were both a little sad that she had this kind of anxiety at seven.

Then this morning she woke up early and started crying because she couldn't go to sleep. And she had a melt down when I started to get things ready for the park. The park wasn't unexpected. I had told her last night we were going to a park day. She did what she normally does and freaked out right before we left. I am not the best parent when this occurs. I'm already stressed out trying to get four kids dressed and ready to go. R is usually whining because I am not nursing her or she's tired. I'm trying to get food and water ready so we don't spend money out. And when Camille decides she doesn't want to go out, add her sobbing hysterically to the mixture. She follows me around sobbing about either being in pain or just not wanting to go. Today it was a combination of pain and being tired. I had to send her to her room so I wouldn't yell. I felt awful. I felt like I should be able to take the time to sit and work through whatever is going on but my patience is an all time low. I'm depressed. I needed to be out. I didn't  have it in me to spend an hour working through whatever was going on with Camille.

When we left, she was calm, and even seemed happy. Once at the park, she became anxious. She was clinging to me and while it drove me nuts, I let her do it. Our friend who had arrived before we did asked her how she was doing it and she sobbed out "Tomorrow is _____'s birthday party." See Camille has been invited to her first all girl birthday party. She's extremely excited but she's obviously nervous too. She's afraid if she doesn't sleep she won't be able to go. She's scared about what to do once she gets there. She's freaked out about what we're going to get for a gift. This moment she's been looking forward to for a week, this fun event, has become a source of anxiety for her.

I feel awful. I feel bad that I wasn't more patience. More prepared for her to react this way. I never know what's going to be a source of anxiety for Camille. And then what do I do when it happens? I know park days cause anxiety and stress. She freaks out before almost everyone we go to. Once there she's usually okay but getting there is stressful for both of us. But what do I do? I can't stay at home all the time. The other kids, and me need outside time. Hell, Camille needs outside time. With the party, I wondered if I should have not told her. But then I suspect we'd have a meltdown because it was unexpected. Camille likes to plan. She even has a calendar where she writes down weekly events. She likes to be prepared.

I feel like a mothering fail with Camille of late. Sometimes I just get her and we work it out. This last week though has just felt like a lot of mama yelling and Camille crying.