Happy Fat

"The funny thing is, that fat girl hiding in my mother's photo albums, the one in the ugly clothes with the slumped shoulders, she had a pretty good life. Given the choose between that life and the life of a skinny starlet in rehab, I'd put the fat suit back on fast enough to jam the zipper." From Half-Assed

The first time I reached goal in WW, the leader asked me "How does your husband feel?" I didn't understand the question. What did my husband have to do with my weight loss? And then I realized that the question was really "How does your husband feel about getting a thin wife back?" I kind of laughed because H wants me to be healthy but he's never been invested in me being thin. I explained to the group that my husband was happy for me but considering that he had meet me when I was 170 he didn't really expect a "thin" wife. In fact, H's concern has always been that I wold get too thin. I don't think anyone believed me because the assumption of course is that your partner should love you no matter what you look like but they'd obviously prefer a thinner person to love.

Reading the above quote and thinking about that story reminded me that much of the happiness I have found in my life didn't come from being thin. In fact being thin has often brought a lot of unhappiness into my life. 

Here's what happened when I was fat:
I meet and married H.
I was pregnant and bore four healthy amazingly wonderful babies.
I completed a BA and a MA.
I moved to a whole new city.
I started homeschooling.
I meet great friends.
I had many wonderful apartments and friends to share those apartments with.

Life was good as a fat grrl. And I realized today that I don't need to be thin to be happy.Happiness doesn't come because of a number on the scale. I think I thought that life would just be better if I could lose weight. Each time I've got to goal, I've been confronted with the reality that being thin didn't solve any problems. It took until last night to realize that I can be happy fat. It seems so obvious doesn't it? But it wasn't me. For so long I associated being thin with being the most amazing thing eva. But really being thin opened up a whole Pandora's box of troubles for me.

This time around I'm losing weight not for the joy  it will bring  but because I owe it to my family and my body to be healthy. I want to eat foods that make me feel good as opposed to foods that make me feel sluggish and sick. I want to be able to push my body in exercise and feel the pride that comes from being strong. I don't have to go seeking happiness anymore. It's already here not bundled up in the package of a black pair of scales.