Fear

I had a nice reprieve from worrying about graduate school once all the applications were finally sent out. At that point, I was just so tired of them, it was a relief to just not think about them. There were so many other things to focus on...Christmas, potential conversion, grading for my class, etc. And now all that is over. The tree is gone (FINALLY). My syllabi are pretty much done. I am ready for a new semester. This also leaves me with a bit more time to think about...cue Jaws theme...the future! Of course we are also getting closer and closer to the time when we'll be hearing from schools.

Once again, I am finding it hard to sleep. I don't know what I fear most though....getting in or not getting in. I already decided that we go where H is accepted. He's the most likely to get the job in the end. I can imagine a life as a midwife which is my back up plan. On some nights, this is an image that brings me a great deal of contentment. But on other nights, the idea of starting on a totally new career fills me with terror. I know the academic life and while it is not easy it is known. 

However there is also a part of me that fears going for my Ph.D. I worry about doing the Ph.d and raising my children as I want to raise them. Wonder if everyone is right and the academic life is incompatible with my life as a mother? Wonder if I am not smart enough? Or tough enough? Wonder if I hate it? Wonder if it totally changes me in an unpleasant way? 

And then I start to worry about the practical aspects of this next step. Money. Moving. It's all so much to deal with and I can't even appease myself with my normal antidote of planning. I don't even know WHERE we're going. We're in a strange place because we know we are going we just don't know where.

H has been rather rock like through my anxiety but even he has a bit of an attack a few nights ago. We both have a lot riding on this plan, and there is the other option: Neither of us get accepted! Gasp. I hadn't even thought of that one until he brought it up. I figured one of us would get accepted. We spent one evening kind of freaking out but then we realized that if neither of us got in we were free to go anywhere. That was kind of exciting. And scary.